There is nothing left to do but sleep
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It’s always the case with me – double perspectives – opposites, opposites, opposites causes much internal conflict.
Should I choose black or white? I can’t choose! so I choose both.
I don’t even know what I want right now or maybe it’s something I don’t want. I have no clue but I find myself staring at the wall at 4:00am. Why am I not asleep? It’s because I have to do the same thing that I’ve been doing for the last half decade. So to turn the tables, bring in freshness, I take coffee like addicts take drugs. I take coffee because it wakes me from my slumber. For a few moments, I can say that I am giddy, giddy, giddy. Break the routine; I make dresses- stay up all night- forget that I have to consume- my body in the end, breaks.
I can’t seem to go through one day- just one- to actually finish my day’s goals. Wake up at 4:00, take a shower, get ready, eat, go to school, this I know I have to do, but what about the homework, the unwritten papers, the blank sheets of paper that don’t have spilled paint yet? They’re somewhere in my list of things to do – keep on piling, keep on piling. Sometimes class becomes a part of that never ending list of things to do – sometimes the days go like this, 3:30am, first alarm rings, snooze, 3:45, 2nd alarm rings, snooze, 4:00am, wake up, take a shower, back to bed, stare, stare, stare, stare, stare, stare, stare, stare, stare, 9:00 – fuck, I missed my bus, can’t go to class, 12::00, feeling tired, go back to sleep, 3:00 pretend to work, go online, another day wasted.
I can’t even pinpoint what’s swimming in these thoughts of mine. I can’t. I just feel like a wasted body on a bed.
Something in me tells me it’s the cage I’m in. I’m 23. I thought for sure that by now I’d be somewhere broke in NY looking for my first design job. Aaaah, the thrill, the excitement. Unfortunately, I’m not there, I’m here, El Paso, with hipster wanna be’s, teachers that don’t give a shit about their students (that’s slightly misconstrued), still living in the same room, same clothes, same goals, where is the newness? the thrill? When I first heard Map of the World by Monsters of Folk – I cried. I half mentioned this to a friend, this song speaks volumes, they’re talking about me, I swear. Every aspect of that song (except the shaving part) – it’s too real- gah, I’m such a cliche. The first part, it hit me hard… “There’s a map of the world on the wall in your room, Green pins where you want to go, White pins where you’ve been, there isn’t even ten, and your already feeling old” I used to have a globe that someone close to me had given me… it’s teenie- small- I’d play with it because Russia seemed to only be inches away from me and now the globe has gathered dust somewhere in a box. Actually, the sad part is that I don’t even know where it is. I’m looking around my room and I can’t find it. My goals have situated themselves in a new home: inside a box collecting dust.
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I’ve never been one to express my feelings. I keep them nicely locked up inside but that doesn’t mean that I don’t go through things. It’s frustrating sometimes. People assume that I’m always happy- that nothing bothers me- that it’s hard to break my hard shell but they couldn’t be more wrong.
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Hello October, I haven’t seen you in a while- I’ve missed you. I’m glad you’re here. I can tell because the weather is beginning to change. Time for sweaters, hot chocolate and smiles. Maybe soon I’ll start seeing the leaves change. It will start getting cold and I’ll cuddle between blankets, my honeys and winter dreams.
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Expressions are interesting. As a liaison in the communications, I purposely look out for expressions. We often find ourselves in situations when you have to say hello to certain people, people that will get you somewhere, people that you have been introduced to, people that you don’t want to see, etc. The situations come in number and the expressions to match those inner feelings are actualized in smirks and twinkles.
I’d like to think that I’m a nice person, an easy person to get along with and because of that I enjoy saying hello to people. I like smiling, I like knowing that when I give a smile to someone that person subconsciously down in the depths of their being will feel welcomed. That’s what I do- just like everyone else.
However, sometimes some situations arise when the easy system of {Person A: says hello with a smile and Person B: responds with a smile} doesn’t go as planned. What happens if I come up to you all happy and giddy and their reply is that dreadful muted he—-llo. Automatically, my senses become alert, why did this person say it that way, why did their face change, why are their more levels of annoyance, I look out for these things. It must be the PR factor in me – always trying to put on a good face.
So– seems lately that these expressions have changed. For example last night, the awkwardness of that situation was beyond anything I had ever experienced before, I just wanted to get out of there (which I did). Seeing those figures from the past led me to many conclusions. One, when you’re out, you’re out– that’s simply it. Nothing changes that. Genuine smiles turn into perfunctory ones. The squinting of the eyes diminishes, the tone flattens and it makes out for an uncomfortable few seconds of time. Two, when you meet someone goodhearted, it shows. I saw goodheartedness in some people that I have always tried to avoid. It was a good feeling. I saw some people with those mean squinty eyes or the classic girl thing to do.. the “up and down” look which is the most aggravating one, I don’t need some person I don’t know to judge me- it drives me crazy. I saw the surprised, interested, drunk(hah!) face.
The only reason why I bring this up today is because the change in expressions have become noticeable. Lots of movement and change has been going on in my life- probably because I’m almost done with school. It’s so weird to see when you’ve moved on with a situation, people change. The biggest one that I’ve noticed recently are the expressions from people that I felt were like family. It just goes to show- that even friendships don’t last. One of the worst expressions I have ever felt happened coming back from Los Angeles. I wanted to go say hello to someone, simply out of respect and because I hadn’t seen this person in a while but the expression that I received was dreadful and I have to admit, even heartbreaking. Rather than entertaining me with a smile or any kind of “good to see” you expression, I received these sunken eyes that said “what are you doing here” – no sign of happiness anywhere. Considering how much I respected this person, it made me feel pretty low.
I don’t actually think I had a point to this post… just wanted to mention expressions. They’re important. They welcome people and they detract people.
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If the Brakeman Turns My Way by Bright Eyes
When panic grips your body
And your heart’s a hummingbird
Raven thoughts blacken your mind
‘Til you’re breathing in reverse
All your friends and sedatives mean well
But make it worse
Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt
Better find yourself a place to level out
Got a cricket for a conscience
Always looks the other way
A cocaine soul starts seeming like
An empty cabaret
Hey, where have all the dancers gone?
Now the music doesn’t play
Tried to listen to the river
But you couldn’t shut your mouth
Better take a little time to level out
I never thought of running
My feet just led the way
Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
Cars are switched out in the crazy rain
I could meet you any place
If the brakeman turns my way
All this automatic writing
I have tried to understand
From a psychedelic angel
Who was tugging on my hand
It’s an infinite coincidence
But it doesn’t form a plan
So I’m headed for New England
Or the Paris of the South
Gonna find myself somewhere to level out
Are your brothels full, oh Babylon
With merry middlemen?
Never peer out of their periscopes
From those deep opium dens
All this death must need a counterweight
Always someone born again
First a mother bathes her child
Then the other way around
The scales always find a way to level out
I tried to pass for nothing
But my dreams gave me away
Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
People snuffed out in the brutal rain
I could live to any age
If the brakeman turns my way
It is an old world, it’s hard to remember
Like a dime store mystery
I’m a repeat first-time offender
Who has rewritten history
Mixed-up tea leaves
Phantom pain
Fuzzy logic in the the crazy rain
Getting better every day
If the brakeman turns my way
Mixed-up signals
Bullet train
Cars are switched out in the blinding rain
He’ll be smiling as he seals my fate
When the brakeman turns my way
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Great song.
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Middle of the night. Thoughts. Exaggeration. Not realistic but highly taunting. No reaching, no reaching, no reaching. Fears.
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Hello all! I’m currently uploading my portfolio – 
(finally!!)
Just click on Portfolio on the menu on the top.
It’s another school year, more of the same, more of the same, nothing is different, no one ever changes, the people stay the same, things have become violently uninteresting.
First day of school – yeah, I know how ridiculously young that sounds – first day of school, I get ready, put on my skirt, matching shirt, matching shoes, and even throw in a necklace. I’m excited to see what people are going to wear, who’s going to sport the leggings, the skinny jeans, the 60′s dress, the Twiggy inspired dress, the oversized shirts, the blazers, the cardigans, the pumps, the wedges? First day of school, disappointed, same jean-wearing people, same stories, same goals, same everything.
Seems like every summer I find a way to change my life, new adventures, new stories, new people, new ideas and every time I come back to school, I am left with such an utter bitterness that simply leaves me depressed. Makes me wonder why I’m here. Why am I not in New York? or somewhere to inspire me? One more year, I tell myself, one more year, I just have to put up with one more year of the same lack-of-ambition attitude that El Paso hosts. I am tired.
Guess all this stems from my frustration of everything in my surrounding. I can’t even go to my regular local coffee shops in my area because they’re all CLOSED – The Big Man has won, good for you Corporate America. I’m here writing from a Starbucks instead of my beloved Kristoph’s. I log on to Facebook – I see a request to become a fan of El Paso Magazine – I accept – I go to the page and see some of the stories posted… here’s one: More back-to-school fashion, and it’s all about denim. All about denim?! Hasn’t it always been about denim? Why even write about it – if today it’s about denim, tomorrow will be about denim, five years from now: denim, ten years: denim!!!!
I realize that being agitated by denim seems so stupid – I realize that – but it’s not necessarily the clothes that makes me aggravated, it’s the bigger picture: the attitude. No one gives a shit.
I just wished I would wake up tomorrow and encounter people who believed in things, who believed in personal goals, reaching a higher level of Self. I wish I could see girls wanting to be more than Plain Jane, I wish I could see people wearing dresses, flowers in their hair, believing in themselves. I wish I could see boys who could start up relevant conversations… I wish I could see people being more conscious about their lives. Wake Up El Paso and Grow Up – the world around us is moving at light speed and we’re still trying to survive in the past.
There’s my two cents.
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Tonight, I miss you- like I miss you all nights when your arms aren’t holding me. Tonight, however, the scent of you parades in my being- bringing me little pockets of joy.
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This lil lady loves fashion – she’s also my sister, Gisselli. She has a fun new blog on Blogger if you want to catch her spiel on fashion trends.
She’s sporting American Apparel on the photograph above.
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Hi all! The University of Texas El Paso has an organization for progressive socialist thought, the Socialist Activist Youth.
If you’re an artist, musician, photographer, writer, designer, painter, maker, doer, anything at all and would like to participate in upcoming benefit shows please let us know. SAY will also be publishing newsletters and could really use the help of a wordsmith.
You can contact me directly or contact the group here.
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I don’t know you but I want to know you. I want to love you. I want to know your dreams and your fears. I want to know what people don’t know about you. I want to take your brain hostage and feed from it. I want to feel your emotions. I want to know what gives you smiles in the middle of your sadness. I want to know the first thing you look at when you log on to the computer. I want to know what kind of things turn you on. I want to know everything about you but we’ve never met. I don’t want to meet you. I don’t even want to talk to you. I just want to know you.
Who are you? You’re the guy who drinks a beer to celebrate another weekend made, you’re the cute girl who fucks to fill the emptiness, you’re the child who spills a tear because his mommy won’t buy him the toy cars that make him daydream, you’re the old woman who gets lost in the sunset to remind herself of what beauty is, you’re the girl who make men fantasize, you’re the lonely beauty who watches the sunrise, you’re the breeze on my neck, the storm chaser, the innocent smile, the train rider, you are everyone. You inspire me.
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I don’t remember a time when I felt so grown up- so confused by the blur of decisions running past me. I feel as if this era that I’ve jumped into has pulled me away from the childish dreams I once had – where goals and decisions where a distance away. This era has pulled me from the high clouds of familiarity and dropped me in an ocean of insecurities and new experiences but it isn’t as cold as I thought, it isn’t as scary; the sharks aren’t out to get me. As the era unveils itself, I can’t help but experience these new beginnings with someone special by my side. For the first time in my life, I don’t have to fight to be “in” the picture, I don’t have to win conversations, I don’t have to wait for love to come around. For the first time in my life, kisses are planted on my lips without daydreaming of them, hugs keep me warm and I don’t have to ask for it, touches, feel, the feeling of being wanted have entered my life and I don’t have to force it. This summer has dragged me out from the dull life I’ve managed to create into something new- something worthwhile. The best part of this is— when I wake up to a brutally hot morning in a futon in my sister’s ex-boss’s friend’s living room— when the sticky sweat has moistened my skin, it’s not unhappiness that I feel- it’s a brilliant dose of happiness because as I wake up– as I first crack open my eyelids, the blurred figure of my precious beau comes into focus. In those moments, I feel happy, I feel happy, I feel happy. I feel happy… happy… happy that someone is there with me, holding me, experiencing life with me.
I now have a flickr account – thought I might host my photos somewhere while my site gets built.
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Every day when I go to work I pass by two really awesome trees… One has weird spikey things coming out of the trunk and the other reminds me of what I imagine an orgasm to look like… Hehe, a female one. The little red spikes just remind me of that amazing explosion transcending into colors and form. The flower looks so erotic to me – I don’t understand why.
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